A Cry in the Dark
Kitty had a dream that she was lying in a cold place with walls made from sheets of steel. There was a howling noise coming from somewhere and she thought someone was trying to communicate with her but she couldn’t speak and she couldn’t move.
Then the walls flew open and she saw many men standing very straight against another wall and all of them were trying to speak but she couldn’t hear what they were saying.
Alva was in her dream, dressed in a nurse’s uniform and she was walking among the men and giving them books to read. She was smiling but the men did not respond, and then a large tiger dripping with blood stalked across the space and the walls began to shake … and Kitty woke up, shivering.
“What is it?” Cal asked. He reached out to her in the dark room, only able to see the vague outline of her body. He sat up and placed his hands on her arms and rubbed softly. “What’s wrong?”
She told him about the dream and he hugged her to him. “It’s upsetting. That’s real. It’s not you. It’s the situation. You’ve opened a Pandora’s box and you won’t be able to get the lid back on easily.”
“I suppose so,” she sighed and wiped tears from her face. “I never thought it would make me feel like this. I thought it would be healing to find them.”
“You haven’t found them yet,” Cal said. “You’ve just found where some of them are. It could get worse, you know. You can’t tell what you’ll find.”
“I know,” said Kitty.
She leaned against him and moved closer until they were lying side by side, she curled against him, his arm loosely around her. There had been no further talk about moving, no pushing on Cal’s part and it seemed understood between them, in the language that some couples develop without actually putting it in words, that they would go on as before. Whatever happened, it would happen in its own time, in its own way. At least in this Kitty felt comforted. She knew Cal had just as much to sort out as she did. They were simply sorting through different pieces of different puzzles. Before she had walked out on her life, she imagined a world where everything was available to her, everything that had been denied her. Now she realized that “everything” encompassed a vast array of complexities that she had never thought to encounter. She now felt like a foolish child who wants something very expensive and then gets it and finds it’s not all that glorious a thing to have. Not even Alva could have prepared her for feeling this way. But who can prepare another person for what it means to grow up and take the world on the terms it offers? Kitty was beginning to realize that all those years of imposed isolation had not only cut her off from the world, but also from herself.